I always saw myself as a monogamist. I am a monogamist, even with my friendships. I make strong connections to one person at a time, and generally prefer one to one contact.
As a result, I found myself completely taken aback when I took a second lover. It’s not that I think I’m all that; that no one person could satisfy me. It happened quite on accident. (This is where the picture gets all foggy, wiggles a little, and then we fade into a flashback)
I was unhappy with my relationship. I thought I wanted out, being unsatisfied with the sex, the lack of communication, the lack of- frankly- almost everything I wanted. And still I loved him. Odd. So I find myself meeting this new guy, and he’s flirty, and I’m flirty by nature anyway, even with girls. I decide, “If he tries to kiss me, I’ll let him.” And he does. And I do. And over time one thing leads to very much another, and presto! Glorious new sex. New feelings are budding! It feels great! This is just what I was looking for, for how could I fall for someone else if my heart wasn’t already dead to my lover?
So I go home with my mind made up and you know what? I don’t feel any different towards my original lover. I’m still as confused. He looks at me with the same puppy dog eyes, and I am confounded. How can I feel so strongly about two different people? At the same time? And suddenly all those assholes you’ve seen in movies, the husband who has a mistress for 20 years and can’t give her up, I understand! It isn’t cowardice. It isn’t not being able to make up your mind. It’s that each one fills a need, something you’ve never found in a single person, and somehow it works.
Yet somehow, both are a little empty. Obviously the original is not doing it for me. And I’m not giving everything I can to the new one either, whether he wants it or not. So I’m confused.
Flash forward a few months. That infatuation with the new guy ends. He isn’t vested either. I told him I won’t leave the old one for him; I’ll leave him because I want to leave him. And the spell breaks, and I go back to just surviving.
And a year plus passes, and still I don’t leave my lover. And still we are in the same place: just surviving. Another guy comes on the screen again. I like him. I won’t let myself love him. Not yet. And this time? I feel different. I want more than I’ve had. I let my lover know I’ve been unfaithful. We stop having sex. It’s been almost three months. I agree to go to counseling. This time I want out. This time I want to leave him for me. The new guy is the spur. I can’t call him a catalyst because by definition, a catalyst elicits a change without itself being used up or changed. But I’m using him up. I hope I’m changing him a little. Life is complicated. Love is complicated. And I am that asshole.
As a result, I found myself completely taken aback when I took a second lover. It’s not that I think I’m all that; that no one person could satisfy me. It happened quite on accident. (This is where the picture gets all foggy, wiggles a little, and then we fade into a flashback)
I was unhappy with my relationship. I thought I wanted out, being unsatisfied with the sex, the lack of communication, the lack of- frankly- almost everything I wanted. And still I loved him. Odd. So I find myself meeting this new guy, and he’s flirty, and I’m flirty by nature anyway, even with girls. I decide, “If he tries to kiss me, I’ll let him.” And he does. And I do. And over time one thing leads to very much another, and presto! Glorious new sex. New feelings are budding! It feels great! This is just what I was looking for, for how could I fall for someone else if my heart wasn’t already dead to my lover?
So I go home with my mind made up and you know what? I don’t feel any different towards my original lover. I’m still as confused. He looks at me with the same puppy dog eyes, and I am confounded. How can I feel so strongly about two different people? At the same time? And suddenly all those assholes you’ve seen in movies, the husband who has a mistress for 20 years and can’t give her up, I understand! It isn’t cowardice. It isn’t not being able to make up your mind. It’s that each one fills a need, something you’ve never found in a single person, and somehow it works.
Yet somehow, both are a little empty. Obviously the original is not doing it for me. And I’m not giving everything I can to the new one either, whether he wants it or not. So I’m confused.
Flash forward a few months. That infatuation with the new guy ends. He isn’t vested either. I told him I won’t leave the old one for him; I’ll leave him because I want to leave him. And the spell breaks, and I go back to just surviving.
And a year plus passes, and still I don’t leave my lover. And still we are in the same place: just surviving. Another guy comes on the screen again. I like him. I won’t let myself love him. Not yet. And this time? I feel different. I want more than I’ve had. I let my lover know I’ve been unfaithful. We stop having sex. It’s been almost three months. I agree to go to counseling. This time I want out. This time I want to leave him for me. The new guy is the spur. I can’t call him a catalyst because by definition, a catalyst elicits a change without itself being used up or changed. But I’m using him up. I hope I’m changing him a little. Life is complicated. Love is complicated. And I am that asshole.
4 comments:
There's nothing wrong with you or your needs, just be true to yourself and honest with others.
Secrets and dishonesty make you the "bad guy in the movie" not the desire or even need to date others.
Hey man, glad you're open about it.
It is hard to admit when you're an a$$hole. I should know.
Being true to yourself certainly helps with all the other bullsh*t happening in life.
Having been the other side of where you are, I just hope that you figure it out soon. Everyone will tell you to be true to yourself, but don't forget that the people affected need the truth too.
laurenbove: this time, I'm being honest. We all know what's going on, just don't know what the f it is
durante: hye, that's what this blog was for, to be honest about it.
two: I know this situaion isn't fair to all three of us. The old and me just can't seem to let go, and the new...well that's new.
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