I always saw myself as a monogamist. I am a monogamist, even with my friendships. I make strong connections to one person at a time, and generally prefer one to one contact.
As a result, I found myself completely taken aback when I took a second lover. It’s not that I think I’m all that; that no one person could satisfy me. It happened quite on accident. (This is where the picture gets all foggy, wiggles a little, and then we fade into a flashback)
I was unhappy with my relationship. I thought I wanted out, being unsatisfied with the sex, the lack of communication, the lack of- frankly- almost everything I wanted. And still I loved him. Odd. So I find myself meeting this new guy, and he’s flirty, and I’m flirty by nature anyway, even with girls. I decide, “If he tries to kiss me, I’ll let him.” And he does. And I do. And over time one thing leads to very much another, and presto! Glorious new sex. New feelings are budding! It feels great! This is just what I was looking for, for how could I fall for someone else if my heart wasn’t already dead to my lover?
So I go home with my mind made up and you know what? I don’t feel any different towards my original lover. I’m still as confused. He looks at me with the same puppy dog eyes, and I am confounded. How can I feel so strongly about two different people? At the same time? And suddenly all those assholes you’ve seen in movies, the husband who has a mistress for 20 years and can’t give her up, I understand! It isn’t cowardice. It isn’t not being able to make up your mind. It’s that each one fills a need, something you’ve never found in a single person, and somehow it works.
Yet somehow, both are a little empty. Obviously the original is not doing it for me. And I’m not giving everything I can to the new one either, whether he wants it or not. So I’m confused.
Flash forward a few months. That infatuation with the new guy ends. He isn’t vested either. I told him I won’t leave the old one for him; I’ll leave him because I want to leave him. And the spell breaks, and I go back to just surviving.
And a year plus passes, and still I don’t leave my lover. And still we are in the same place: just surviving. Another guy comes on the screen again. I like him. I won’t let myself love him. Not yet. And this time? I feel different. I want more than I’ve had. I let my lover know I’ve been unfaithful. We stop having sex. It’s been almost three months. I agree to go to counseling. This time I want out. This time I want to leave him for me. The new guy is the spur. I can’t call him a catalyst because by definition, a catalyst elicits a change without itself being used up or changed. But I’m using him up. I hope I’m changing him a little. Life is complicated. Love is complicated. And I am that asshole.
As a result, I found myself completely taken aback when I took a second lover. It’s not that I think I’m all that; that no one person could satisfy me. It happened quite on accident. (This is where the picture gets all foggy, wiggles a little, and then we fade into a flashback)
I was unhappy with my relationship. I thought I wanted out, being unsatisfied with the sex, the lack of communication, the lack of- frankly- almost everything I wanted. And still I loved him. Odd. So I find myself meeting this new guy, and he’s flirty, and I’m flirty by nature anyway, even with girls. I decide, “If he tries to kiss me, I’ll let him.” And he does. And I do. And over time one thing leads to very much another, and presto! Glorious new sex. New feelings are budding! It feels great! This is just what I was looking for, for how could I fall for someone else if my heart wasn’t already dead to my lover?
So I go home with my mind made up and you know what? I don’t feel any different towards my original lover. I’m still as confused. He looks at me with the same puppy dog eyes, and I am confounded. How can I feel so strongly about two different people? At the same time? And suddenly all those assholes you’ve seen in movies, the husband who has a mistress for 20 years and can’t give her up, I understand! It isn’t cowardice. It isn’t not being able to make up your mind. It’s that each one fills a need, something you’ve never found in a single person, and somehow it works.
Yet somehow, both are a little empty. Obviously the original is not doing it for me. And I’m not giving everything I can to the new one either, whether he wants it or not. So I’m confused.
Flash forward a few months. That infatuation with the new guy ends. He isn’t vested either. I told him I won’t leave the old one for him; I’ll leave him because I want to leave him. And the spell breaks, and I go back to just surviving.
And a year plus passes, and still I don’t leave my lover. And still we are in the same place: just surviving. Another guy comes on the screen again. I like him. I won’t let myself love him. Not yet. And this time? I feel different. I want more than I’ve had. I let my lover know I’ve been unfaithful. We stop having sex. It’s been almost three months. I agree to go to counseling. This time I want out. This time I want to leave him for me. The new guy is the spur. I can’t call him a catalyst because by definition, a catalyst elicits a change without itself being used up or changed. But I’m using him up. I hope I’m changing him a little. Life is complicated. Love is complicated. And I am that asshole.
